A History of Violence
by Anita
Summary: After getting dumped by her boyfriend, Leela's day goes from bad to worse when the Professor assigns the Planet Express crew their toughest delivery yet.


A History of Violence

Leela rested her head on her hand, gazing adoringly at the hunky man before her. She couldn't believe that she had scored a second date with Todd Winslow, the famous laser archery world champion. He was dreamy and charming and most importantly, he was interested in her!

Leela laughed vigorously at a joke Todd cracked, smiling widely. "Ohh Todd, you're so witty." She sighed, clearly smitten.

Todd cleared his throat. "Um, Leela, we need to talk."

_Uh-oh. That's never a good sign._

"It's been nice spending time with you, but I don't really see this relationship going anywhere." Todd admitted.

Leela crossed her arms indignantly. "Why not?"

"You're too good for me, Leela."

_Damn straight._

"What is **that** supposed to mean?" Leela scoffed.

"You know, you're such a goody-goody. Where's the spunk? I need a girl with wildfire instinct. Face it, you're just not badass enough for me."

_Badass?_ Leela cracked her knuckles in preparation. _I'll show you badass…_

But Todd was out the door before she could even get a single word in. "Later, Leela. Maybe I'll catch you in another galaxy."

Leela's shoulders fell in disappointment. _All men are the same...jerks._

* * *

"Hey Fry, change the channel." Bender demanded lazily from the couch as he downed his beer.

"Uhhh, Bender, I can't." Fry struggled to speak, clutching his stomach. "I don't feel so well."

"You meatbags with your primitive 'illnesses'. Do I have to do everything around here?" Bender complained. "Take some of my patented Bender Therapy!" Bender smacked Fry heartily in the back, causing him to slump to the floor.

"Hmm, that usually works." Bender muttered indifferently.

Leela walked into the living room. "Why are all men complete morons? Is there not a single decent man left in the universe? Or are their heads really that far up their a–" Leela stopped mid-rant and glanced around curiously. "Hmm, usually by this point Fry is fawning over me and trying to trick me into a date, what gives?"

"He probably got bored of you." Bender suggested. "I know I have."

Leela spotted Fry's limp form writhing on the ground.

"Oh no, Fry! What's wrong with him?"

"How the hell should I know? Fry whines like a drama queen every time I use him as my ashtray, he's probably just faking it."

"I think he's really sick, we should take him to the hospital!"

"Have fun with that. Remember to change the channel on your way out."

"Bender! You're coming with me."

Bender rolled his eyes. "Humans; can't live with 'em, can't pick the best weapon to use for killing 'em."

* * *

"We came as soon as we heard." Professor Farnsworth said as he entered the room at the Taco Bellevue Hospital with Amy, Dr. Zoidberg and Hermes trailing behind him.

Hermes rolled his eyes. "Actually, not really. Amy made us stop at the Save 'N' Splurge."

"Spluh! They only have twelve sales a month, I couldn't miss it!"

"Thanks for coming, guys. It's nice to know that you care." Fry smiled weakly, clutching at his stomach.

"Of course we care." Zoidberg flailed his arms wildly. "If you die, then I'll get a free cadaver to work on. Maybe I will finally see one of those livers I've been hearing so much about, hurray!"

The doctor chuckled as he entered the room. "No, Fry is going to be just fine. He just has butterflies in his stomach."

Fry sat up in excitement. "You mean I'm just nervous or something? There's nothing wrong with me?"

"Oh no, this is a serious illness. We'll need to get those butterflies out of there fast if there is to be no permanent damage. I've called the aviary; Fry should be good as new in two weeks time."

"Boring!" Bender grunted.

"Well, at least that doesn't sound too bad." Fry ventured hopefully.

"Also, did I mention the incredible agony?" The doctor added.

"Less boring."

"Wait, does this mean Bender and I will be making deliveries on our own while you're in here?" Leela asked.

"Oh god, kill me now before Leela **nags** me to death!" Bender groaned.

Leela wordlessly kicked Bender in irritation, causing him to land heavily on top of Fry.

"Aaahhh!"

"I told you: incredible agony."

"Quiet you morons! Bender and Leela will just have to learn to get along while Fry is in here suffering a fate worse than death." Professor Farnsworth demanded. "Now let's all go home before my electric torpedo rats chew their way through their cages."

"Have fun, Fry!" Amy shouted. "And if you meet any cute surgeons, don't let them in on the fact that I'm friends with you."

The Planet Express crew made their way out of the room as Fry whimpered in fear.

* * *

The next day, Leela walked into the living room to see Bender resting lazily on the couch watching television.

"Come on, Bender, the professor wants to see us so he can brief us on our next mission."

"I can't right now, Leela; I'm busy trying to ignore you."

Leela sighed. "Look, Bender, I don't like bossing you around any more than you do, but we have to at least **try** to get along while Fry's in the hospital."

"Fine, let's just get this yawn fest over with."

Bender and Leela made their way into the conference room and found Professor Farnsworth sleeping in his chair.

"Professor?"

The professor remained fast asleep.

"This looks like another job for my Bender Therapy!"

Bender whacked the professor in the head, causing him to finally stir.

"Bender!" Leela scolded, giving him an icy glare.

"Uh-whuh?" Professor Farnsworth snorted.

Leela shrugged. _At least he's awake_. "Professor, you were going to brief us on our next delivery."

"Next what? Who are you? Is this about the torpedo rats? They're not mine, I swear!"

Leela rolled her eyes. "No, professor. It's Leela and Bender. You said that you had another important delivery for us to make."

"Oh, right. Bad news, everyone!"

"**Bad** news?" Leela asked, perplexed.

"Yes." Professor Farnsworth explained seriously. "This will be the most dangerous mission you have ever been given."

"Even worse than that time we delivered to that planet with the flesh-eating virus?" Leela asked.

"Or that time we visited the planet with those giant magnets?"

"That's right. Bender sang Bob Dylan songs for two hours straight." Leela shuddered.

"Oh my, yes. This will be much worse." Professor Farnsworth held out a wrapped package. "I need you to deliver this to the planet Anarchia."

"You mean that planet populated completely by anarchists?" Leela asked the professor, taking the package from him.

Bender laughed devilishly. "Now **this** is the kind of job that I'll actually **enjoy**."

The professor pulled out two machine guns. "You better take these laser guns with you, just to be safe." Bender gleefully laughed once more as Leela sighed in desperation.

Taking Bender onto a planet filled with anarchists did not sound like a smart move. Leela had a sinking suspicion that she was in for another horrible disaster of a delivery.

"Professor I don't think this –" She started.

"Hurry up, Leela. You don't have all day!" Professor Farnsworth commanded. "I want you two back before the animal rights activists get here. I'll be in need of as many human shields as I can get."

Too bad she had no choice.

* * *

The planet of Anarchia looked innocuous enough. The rust-red planet was seemingly like any other planet in the universe, with tall buildings and interconnected tube highways.

But Leela knew better than to be fooled by appearances. _The moment we set down the ship, I'm sure we'll be pillaged or maybe even set on fire._

"Well." Bender said as Anarchia came into view. "I better get ready to deliver the package."

"By yourself?" Leela asked skeptically.

"Don't worry, Leela. I'll take my laser gun, just to be safe." Bender explained innocently.

_Oh no. The only thing worse than Bender on a planet of anarchists is Bender __**alone**__ on a planet of anarchists. With a gun._

"I don't think so, Bender. I'm coming with you to make this delivery."

"You're endangering yourself, Leela. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

Leela rolled her eyes. "Nice try Bender, but the sympathetic front isn't fooling anyone."

Bender grunted and lit a cigar. "Fine. But don't blame me if you get caught in the crossfire. I've got a lot of anarchists I need to enslave."

_Of course. _Leela sighed. "Hurry up and get the package. We're about to land."

* * *

Leela and Bender carefully scanned Anarchia. The streets were deserted; there was not a single soul in sight.

"Alright! It's looting time. I wonder where all of my fellow larcenists are at!" Bender began rushing off in excitement, but Leela grabbed his arm.

"No looting. We keep a low profile, make the delivery and then we leave. That's it!"

"Jeez, who sucked all of the spunk out of you? You're no fun, Leela."

"So I've heard…" She muttered back.

Soon they reached a building in the middle of the city square. Eerily enough, it was the only building with its lights on. Wherever the inhabitants of Anarchia were, it seemed as if Leela and Bender had finally found it.

"We're going to have to be on our guard." Leela whispered. Reluctantly, she knocked on the front door.

"Coming!" They heard a faint voice angrily announce from inside.

The door swung open to reveal a man with dreadlocks and a bandana. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I can't believe you're late. This meeting is **important**. We're here deciding the political fate of our entire planet and you think you can just stroll in whenever –" He paused mid-sentence as soon as he noticed Bender. "A robot? Wait…who are you? You aren't from around here."

"We're from Planet Express and we have a package for you." Leela explained. "Who are you?" Leela asked cautiously.

"I'm Oliver, the leader of MEAT, Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment. We're having a meeting today to discuss the horrendous mistreatment of the majestic Buggalo. Naturally, the whole city is here to figure out a plan to put an end to this cruelty."

Bender groaned. "Oh great, they aren't badass anarchists, they're pseudo anarchist hippies. What a gyp!"

Oliver stared hard at Leela and Bender. "You must be from Earth, the most fascist and despicable planet in all of the galaxies. How can you guys possibly enslave robots and use them for your every fancy?"

"Hah! No one can **use** me." Bender scoffed indignantly.

Oliver stuck his finger directly in Leela's face. "I bet you even eat poor defenseless creatures you meat-eating scumbag! And don't get me started on that President Nixon…"

Leela frowned. _Part of me wishes they were __**real**__ anarchists. Then I wouldn't have to put up with any of this tree-hugging crap. _Instead of voicing her irritation, she calmly handed Oliver the package. "Here, this is for you."

"It's probably some weird Earthling mind-control weapon." Oliver glared at Leela. "No way am I going to accept this. We will fight the power! We will beat the system!"

_Oh brother…_

Before Leela could decide how she wanted to deal with the hysterical hippie she heard a loud slap. Oliver slumped unceremoniously to the ground.

She looked at Bender in shock. He shrugged. "That guy was in need of some serious Bender Therapy."

Leela did her best to hide her relief. But she was definitely relieved. "Alright, we're going home, Bender."

Bender silently nodded in shock. He had just violently abused their customer and Leela was letting him get away with it. He wasn't going to question why he had just gotten away with the package delivery equivalent of murder. Sometimes humans were alright.

"Sure thing, captain!"

* * *

After fleeing the surprisingly tame planet of Anarchia, Bender and Leela made their way back to the Taco Bellevue Hospital to check in on Fry. They found him dressed and out of bed, looking healthier than ever.

"Fry, you're all better." Leela smiled warmly at him. "Did they get the butterflies out of you?"

"Yup!" Fry barely glanced at Leela. "Thank you, Bender."

"You're welcome." Bender replied dismissively, clearly not interested in the conversation.

"Wait, why are you thanking Bender? He's the one who refused to bring you to the hospital." Leela reminded Fry.

"There was a butterfly stuck in my esophagus, but thanks to his Bender Therapy it was dislodged before it could do any severe damage." Fry hugged Bender happily.

"Of course, that was my plan all along." Bender claimed as Leela watched him pick Fry's pocket.

"And now that I'm better, the three of us can make deliveries together again." Fry added.

Fry looked up only to find Leela leaving the hospital room with a shake of her head.

"Leela, where are you going? You just got here."

"There's something I need to take care of. I'll see you guys later…"

* * *

Leela sat at the bar nursing a martini. The crowds of people around her were in a state of perpetual motion, but she continued on in her stationary solitude.

_I can't believe it. I was the one with enough sense to bring Fry to the hospital, but __**Bender**__ is the one who gets all of the praise for his violent cruelty._

She took another sip of her drink as she thought back to the Anarchia delivery. _I don't want to end up like those phony anarchists. I don't want to be a wimp all of my life. Being nice seriously doesn't pay._

"Hey, Leela, is that you?" A voice rang out. Leela smiled to herself.

_Perfect. We have some unfinished business, don't we?_

"Todd, how are you?" Leela gave him her best fake smile.

Todd looked Leela up and down and whistled. He rested his arm around her shoulders. "Leela, I know we called off the whole dating thing, but I'm completely free tonight. How about we have a little fun?" He raised his eyebrows at her suggestively.

She had just endured an incredibly loathsome package delivery and an ungrateful pair of co-workers; she didn't have time to deal with Todd's moronic ways. _Some Bender Therapy would be really handy right about now._

Leela mentally chided herself. _I can't act like a petulant child just because things haven't been going my way._

_On the other hand, I've been having a __**really**__ crappy day._

Without another thought, Leela grabbed the arm that was draped around her shoulders and flipped Todd into the bar stool she had been seated on. She gracefully grabbed her drink off of the bar, innocently glancing back at Todd's crumpled form.

"Sorry, Todd. I'd rather kiss the Hypnotoad than have any **fun **with you."

The crowd of people watching cheered as Leela casually walked away.

Todd rested his bruised head on his hand, gazing adoringly at Leela.

"Wow, Leela. You **are** badass!"

_Damn straight._


End file.
